You Should Know Better Than That
(This is a fictionalized account fabricated around a kernel of truth. The kernel is small enough and surrounded by enough lies that the true patient who inspired this story and the details of his medical problems are unrecognizable. I’ve also altered two somewhat graphic words by changing the letter “e” to “3” so that search engines don’t bring people here for all the wrong reasons.)

John Smith is 78. I've been taking care of him for years. His urologist called me a few days ago after receiving some worrisome test results about him. The urologist asked me to tell Mr. Smith about the abnormal results during his visit with me the following day. The reason he didn’t just give him the results over the phone is that Mr. Smith is quite deaf and phone conversations with him are difficult. So it was left to me to give him the bad news.

Doctor Bean: Good to see you, Mr. Smith.
John Smith: Heya doc.
DB: I have some news I have to give you about the tests Dr. Roberts ordered.
JS: Wha?
DB: I GOT THE RESULTS FROM DR. ROBERTS.
JS: Oh good. What's it say?
DB: YOU HAVE SYPHILIS.
JS: Huh?
DB: [screaming] SYPHILIS. YOU HAVE SYPHILIS.
JS: Oh, Lord! Syphilis!? Am I gonna die?
DB: [quietly] Eventually, but not from this; probably from failing to hear a car horn.
JS: Speak up, doc!
DB: YOU'LL BE FINE. I NEED TO GIVE YOU SOME ANTIBIOTICS TO TAKE.
JS: Oh good. I'm so embarrassed. How did I ever get syphilis?
DB: Don't be embarrassed. Well, um, how long have you had the sore on your p3nis?
JS: Eh?
DB: HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD THE SORE ON YOUR P3NIS?
JS: Oh. That. It comes and goes. Doesn't hurt though. You think that's how I got syphilis?
DB: THAT IS THE SYPHILIS. HOW LONG'VE YOU HAD IT?
JS: Oh, 'bout a year, a year and a half.
DB: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OK FOR YOU TO TELL ME ABOUT IT SOONER.
JS: I shoulda told you, doc. I didn't know it was syphilis. I'm so embarrassed. How could I have gotten syphilis?
DB: Well, when's the last time you had s3x?
JS: Wha?
DB: WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD S3X?
JS: Oh. S3x. It's been many many years, except for once about a year and a half ago.
DB: WAS IT WITH A PROSTITUTE?
JS: Yuh.

So we had a good, long, loud talk about condom use. I tried to reassure him, and I prescribed his antibiotics. When I left the exam room to let him get dressed everyone in the waiting room looked at me and smiled. I stared at my shoes and rushed into the next room. - served up by Doctor Bean @ 8:49 AM