Will Heal For Food
The lovely ball-and-chain does much of my billing. She works from home. She’s spent most of the day calling various insurance companies to try to figure out why they haven’t paid me. Her frustration meter is up to 11. I’ve been sitting next to her doing paper work hearing her side of the conversations. The first three fourths of every conversation is with one of those computerized speech recognition automated phone menus that ask you to say certain words to make a choice. I can’t hear what the computer is saying to her but she’s saying something like this:

Bean [long pause]
Jane [long pause]
Doe [long pause]
nine four nine five six… (long string of digits which are the patient’s ID number) [long pause]
INCORRECT [long pause]
NINE FOUR NINE FIVE SIX… (same long string of digits but louder with more careful annunciation and a little angry) [long pause]
INCORRECT! [long pause]
POORLY TRAINED MONKEYS!! (screaming) [long pause]
I’M GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND KILL YOU!!! [hangs up]

After a few minutes of this, she navigates the menu system to finally get a human on the line. This is frequently no better, since the human is far less competent than the computer menu system. This is a small fraction of a conversation she had today.

ball-and chain: I’m calling about the services provided on June 14, 2004.
insurance lackey: I don’t show a payment for that date.
b&c: Of course there’s no payment, that’s why I’m calling you. We haven’t been paid.
il: I have no record of any payment for that date.
b&c: I really don’t understand what you’re getting at. We want payment. Are you saying you didn’t receive our bill?
il: I don’t see any payment at all for that service.
b&c: Huh? You just said the same thing three times! Why would I be calling you if you paid me? Just to say “Thanks for the check”? I’m calling because there hasn’t been payment. Explain what needs to happen for payment.
il: I’m very sorry. I looked for a payment in the database. I’m just not finding one.
b&c: I’M GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND KILL YOU!!! - served up by Doctor Bean @ 5:18 PM