Hello Mr. Jellypants,

Badgrass got you down? Well, it takes more than a whistle to keep the leaves off a chestnut tree, if you know what I mean. Say, how about those Hooters? Now ain't that a cracker! I was talking to Derry just the a few weeks ago, and I says to him, "I think the Hooters have more muscle and greater mental powers than any team since the Cinncinati Buffaloes of 1963." And wouldn't you know it, they start breaking records and shattering chandeliers from Seattle to St. Augustine (which, by the way, is the oldest city in the United States). Friend of mine, Jerry McSwordfish, got me a couple of tickets to see them play in the Cobblestone Cup just two weeks from last Thursday. Of course I'll have to quit my job, but it's worth it. I can't tell you how excited I am --- oh yes I can, I just wet myself!

Well, see you later Old Sassyflaps. Don't take any wooden pickles.

Dear Sir,

I am surprised and disappointed to learn that your constant requests to the warden for internet access from your rubber room have apparently been granted. I don't know how you've managed to track down my address, but I swear I won't allow your lunacy to shatter my life again. I've finally got my credit cleaned up and all the dental work finished and the nightmares are down to every other night, so I have no intention of having anything to do with a midnight-hollering toothpaste-snorting forehead-stapling whacking-off-in-public freak like you. If you have any reason left in your misshapen skull, you'll leave me alone. I am forwarding a copy of your insane ramblings to your psychiatrist; I hope he'll finally decide to medicate you into a harmless drooling vegetable.

Julius "Jellypants" Sassyflaps

- served up by Doctor Bean @ 7:35 PM