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Miscellaneous thoughts and ramblings
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Fuzzy Wuzzy Was A Bear
Many of my posts make me seem more thoughtful, more intelligent, more caring, and more dedicated than I really am. Not this one. This one reveals me to be vain, superficial, and whimpy.

Oh, and hairy. Very very hairy. Beneath my white doctor's lab coat, under the tie, under the pressed white shirt, is a very fuzzy dude. Here's a recent picture of me camping.
Usually when I go swimming someone either calls the police or just shoots me with a tranquilizer dart. I had become used to this, but my long-suffering wife, the lovely and hard-working ball-and-chain, finally decided she had grown weary of being married to a gigantic version of something a cat would cough up. So I made an appointment for laser hair removal to have my back defoliated. The appointment was today. I took a gram of Tylenol before the visit. It was two orders of magnitude too little.

My "laser technician" (a drug rep, if you know what I mean) rubbed some topical anesthetic on my back and had me sit around for 30 minutes. Little did I know then that the icky feeling of gel on my back making it feel a little numb was by far the best of the visit. Then she gave me protective goggles, lest I inadvertently participate in laser retina surgery. Then she tortured me in a way I'm sure is identical to what is currently being experienced by political prisoners in Cuba. Between yelps of pain I was actually giggling that the rebel base is on Dantooine. I got about two thirds of the way through the "treatment" and just couldn't take any more. I rescheduled the rest for next week. Then I have to repeat the whole thing every month for about half a year.

ball-and-chain thinks my back looks great, but I won't let her touch it until the blistering subsides.
Hey, Doctor Bean, why don't you pat yourself on the back for taking that first step.

No, wait -- ouch, yow, yelp.

Now you know what sort of "beauty treatments" the fairer sex has to put up with.
?? an ewok? lol
I feel your pain, but i must admit that in reading this i laughed my ass off! i wish that we were back in the 70's sometimes when hairy men like tom selleck ruled instead of smooth brad pitt
Wow. My husband is a bear too. When wet, he resembles some kind of sea otter. I've talked about doing the wax strips on his back, but not sure I want to introduce Sado-masochism into our marriage at this early stage. (Maybe later, when I've built up the normal store of resentments over times he forgets to take the garbage out.)
torontopearl: The pain you ladies endure for the sake of beauty is truly unbelievable. The laser technician was telling me about her “treatment” of her bikini line wasn’t so bad. Just the thought made me wince.

rmacapobre: Welcome! Glad you got a chuckle. We try to keep the mood lively, because the food is just so-so.

Dr. Charles: Happy to amuse you. Yeah, I think the current fashion of hairless men verges on feminizing them or making them seem prepubescent. But my wife’s distaste has nothing to do with what looks good this decade. She just really doesn’t like my back hair. What’s a guy to do?

Mirty: My wife has delivered our four children and we’ve been married for thirteen years. She’s entitled to have me look a little better even if it hurts. I don’t know when the right time is to defoliate your husband. FYI: waxing just pulls the hair out once. It’s just a temporary thing (and not painless, from what I hear). The hair grows right back.
Now might be an appropriate time to discuss the issue of anonymity. Bean, our (highly esteemed and appreciated) readers might not know your secret identity, but us coffeebloggers do. And this is the sort of information you do not advertise. I, for one, have the heebie-jeebies, and I will probably not be able to look at you the same way ever again. Especially naked, but that's another story.

My point is that this type of subject is best left for the sort of solo blogger who is truly anonymous to all other forms of life.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to fire up the ol' Epilady for my weekly treatment.
I have a beard, too. I guess if I really let myself go I can look like chewbacca. But wait, he's cool.
Ralphie: The other Coffeehousers have you at a disadvantage since they’ve known me longer. They’ve all been swimming with me and have long know about my fuzzitude. They’ve also mocked and abused me for it. So you’re really the only person who knows me for whom this is news. Sorry to freak you out, man.

Psychotoddler: I would ship you a dozen kosher Crispy Kreme donuts if you post a picture of yourself wearing only a bandoleer!
Bean -

Um, it was the de-hairing I was talking about. None of us needed to know about it. At least until we went swimming with you and noticed your hideously scarred back. But we'd probably pretend that nothing was amiss.
Hey, I found the description fascinating. Now I know what to do with a husband when I get married!
Ralphie: Gotcha. You're saying: too much information; too personal. OK. I guess I'll have to rethink the series of posts I was composing about my bowel movements.

Irina: OK, but ball-and-chain and I want to meet anyone you're dating. We wouldn't let such a valued commenter go out with just anybody.
I guess my wife got lucky (at least in this respect). I'm relatively free of folliage. I don't look like an olympic swimmer or anything... but much closer to that than a wookie!
David: Your wife is lucky for lots of other reasons too! :)
As a naturally hairier member of the female gender, trying to keep my arms and legs (and chin and upper lip) smooth and soft is truly a chore. I've often thought about trying laser treatments. I am now reconsidering those thoughts.

Personally I like a guy with some body hair (though not so much with the back hair), so the current trend towards hairless pretty men is rather disturbing to me.
I just want to make it clear that, if the laser treatments are wildly successful, Dr. Bean will still have enough body hair for 2 manly, seventies, TV stars. And enough left over to share with Treppenwitz.
Just so people won't think I'm going for the "metrosexual" male-model look.
What? You really did this??? Please tell me you are joking. Hair is a sign of masculinity. You've been living in L.A. too long.
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