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Miscellaneous thoughts and ramblings
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Pic of the Day

Things have been a little rough at Chez Bean. Thanksgiving was wonderful. We had seventeen grown-up friends and relatives and all their kids. There was much food, frivolity, and gratitude to God. The evening was a huge success largely due to the indefatigable ball-and-chain and my mom (who came in from out of town and made the turkey).

We’re still recovering. I’m doing my best on the turkey leftovers. For dinner tonight, I made myself a turkey sandwich with larger than necessary sides of yams and parsnips. (Still have plenty of both.)

What does this have to do with the PotD? Stay with me.

Over the weekend, we ran out of Diet Coke. Not a big deal, typically, but we were way too busy to go get some, and I’m the only one who drinks it with any regularity. Now, caffeine is a fairly important part of my day. I only drink two or three caffeinated beverages a day, but without them I’m tired and cranky. Some people are mean drunks; I’m mean when withdrawing from caffeine. (Please don’t comment with a lecture about caffeine withdrawal. I know; I’m a doctor.) So my typical schedule is: a single cup of coffee in the morning, a Diet Coke with lunch, and then sometimes another DC in the afternoon. I’m the opposite of a coffee connoisseur. I drink coffee strictly for the caffeine. I don’t know bad coffee from good coffee, and am not interested in learning the difference. I drink Folgers Instant because it takes me seconds to make. I drink it as a warm liquid just because it’s a little more pleasurable than chewing on the crystals.

So at lunch I thought that I should make myself a yummy cold coffee drink to replace my usual caffeine vehicle. Here’s what I did in case you want to cut and paste it to your recipe files:

Folgers instant coffee, 1 teaspoon, in a coffee cup
Add just enough hot water to dissolve entirely (fill the cup no more than an inch deep) and stir
Pour into a tall glass full of ice cubes
Add Crystal Geyser lemon flavored sparkling mineral water until the glass is full

I thought I was making a yummy lemon flavored iced coffee drink. What I made was hideous. The initial taste had the bitterness of unsweetened coffee followed what-seemed-like-weeks-later by a gnarly lemon fizz that nearly resulted in the Puke of the Day. ball-and-chain saw it on my desk and thought it was root beer, so she had a sip. Not good.
First of all, you are a girl.

2ndly, what would happen if you gave up caffeine cold turkey, so to speak, after the initial cooling period?
1) I know you are, but what am I?

2) Nothing. Point?
Dr. Bean, you are clearly an amateur. If you are drinking coffee for the caffeine, then here is the appropriate way to do it. I followed this recipe in college and I highly recommend it. It is a little more work, but the effects are worth the effort.

1) Purchase a bean grinder and some gormet coffee beans. The lighter the better, because the roasting process destroys the caffeine. French roast tastes the strongest, but has the least caffeine. Sumatra tastes light and pleasurable, but gets you really wired.
2) Place beans in grinder, along with 6 to 8 No-Doz. If you choose to do so, use Viveran (sp?). I think No-Doz is 100 mg, and Viveran is 250 mg. If you really want to go the extra mile (and I encourage you to do so), you can order amphedrazine out of the back of adult magazines. 1000 pills is about 100 dollars, and the pills are about 400 mg, making it the best caffeine value for your money. Start with 800 mg per pot, and work up from there.
3) Grind the beans and the pills together, and put the blend in the filter
4) Brew a lively pot of 10-12 cups for your drinking enjoyment
5) Purchase a 128 oz cup from 7-11. I remember mine was called the "Super co-pilot"
6) Pour about 2/3 full with coffee. Mix about 2 parts coffee to 1 part cream. You do this for three reasons. First, the cream will cool it enough so that you can imediately drink it. Second, the cream has protein and fat, providing nourishment. You will not be able to eat much. Third, the cream coats your stomach postponing ulcers.
7) Repeat as needed, up to six times a day.

Best of luck, let me know how it works!

Eric: I'm a little barfy just reading your suggestions. If I ever want to stop blinking and blow up my prostate to the size of a minivan, I'll definitely try your "special" brew.
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